Learning the love languages is crucial in developing true,
genuine and life-long connections.
By doing so we learn how to love others and how to be loved by others. The more knowledge and practice we give to this one lesson the more we are able to recognize what others need and in what form they need it from us, and also learn deeper what we need from others.
You may have heard about the love languages before in your life, but I’d like to put a new spin on it.
I will call it the Love language Don’ts.
If you are unfamiliar with the five love languages and what they are, here is a summary. Basically, everyone has each of these 5 love languages, some are far stronger than others and we tend to give and receive love in one or more of these five ways.
The 5 Love Languages are:
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmations
One or more of these love languages is said to be how each of us receives love. However, the way we each give love may be the same way as we receive it or it may be a completely different one.
To find out what your receiving love language is, go to the link at bottom of page and answer a few simple questions to find out, they will go into all the detail about your receiving love language and how best to use them, there. So instead of repeating that here, as I am definitely no expert, I’d like to cover the giving side here along with some dont’s, and hopefully make your life far easier to understand others and to connect with them.
Let’s talk about our Giving Love Language and how we can use it to connect with people CORRECTLY. Let’s also learn how to use others love languages to connect with them on a much deeper level than ever possible before.
Knowing what your receiving love language is will help you to be able to receive love from others far more deeply than ever before as well. But, knowing what your giving love language is, along with knowing what it’s NOT, will help you avoid so many unnecessary misunderstandings, awkward moments and heartbreaks.
Learning what others love language is
and learning HOW TO LOVE THEM IN THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE
is the Key to Making LASTING Deep connections and relationships.
When we try to love others in our love language, and not theirs, well, it tends to become… a misunderstood disaster. Imagine driving in a different country. Different laws, different rules. If you don’t know them, everyone wrecks, not just you. I would be like me driving in England! Disaster! Wrong side of the road, wrong side of the car, a completely different set of laws and the mysterious ways of the round-a-bouts where I have no idea how they know who goes, but, they just go and it all works somehow!!!! Yes, I just came back from there, and I will say… it would be a very big disaster for me to ever drive there or most any other country that’s different from mine for that matter, my automatic instincts would kill us all! That is what loving others in the wrong love language will do. Love has its own set of rules and laws, and they change according to each person. What are your rules, what are theirs, how can we ever maneuver these crazy roads to connect? By first learning the rules, and especially the don’ts!
Love Language Don’ts (disaster avoiders):
- Don’t love others in your love language and expect them to understand it if their love language is something totally different than yours.
- Don’t assume someone is a creep, perv, nosy, pushy, slimy, rude, or trying to trick you when they are “coming on too strong”. It may be them showing you love, in their language.
- Don’t assume someone is saying you are incompetent or not good enough because they are trying to help you around the house, work, or do things for you. Their love language is service and they are genuinely trying to help. Let them.
- Don’t think that everyone’s receiving love language, and giving love language are the same.
Most people love in levels, as they trust more, more love is given. Some may even use their strongest Love language last and until they trust you, they won’t show it. (touchers especially, as touch means far more to them than anyone else.) Just try to mirror the affection they are giving because that is the one they are comfortable with.
Here are some examples of how sharing the wrong love language can return the opposite of the results that you want them to…
If your love language is NOT Touch and a person is overly touching you, it will make you feel very uncomfortable, maybe defensive. Then feeling your unease, they try and comfort you more, so they touch you more. The more they try to show you love the more that both of you become agitated, uncomfortable and offended. You move away, they move closer, when you can take no more, feeling the immediate need to escape, you find any reason to be anywhere else and push them away feeling awkward and aggravated. They feel confused, hurt, rejected and upset that you were so rude when they were obviously just trying show you love and make you feel more comfortable. And you feel icky because this person wouldn’t leave you alone and will probably avoid them for the rest of your life. Do you see how that may have gone wrong there? What could you have done to speak to them in the language they are craving?
What if someones love language is NOT affirmations and you’re blanketing them with compliments… they are going to think you are a disingenuous kiss up, weird or that they are trying to manipulate you into doing something they want, sell you something, or need something. Think, annoying salesman…. The more you compliment them the less they trust you or your intentions. On top of that, if they have no self-love, then you are creating a huge war of self-abuse inside of them and every compliment is like a dagger stabbing in bringing pain and anguish from their own inner bully. Every time you compliment someone with low self-esteem or low self-love, they tell themselves the opposite inside (the no, I’m not, I’m [“negative comment”] monster comes out). They will probably become very uncomfortable towards the situation due to the war inside of them and run away upset. You don’t understand, what happened, you feel as if you were treated as if you had done or said something wrong, and everyone feels rejected in this moment. You know that all you wanted to do was try and make them feel special and let them know how great you think they are. And they feel insulted because the inner bully won, or feel untrusting towards you and that your intentions are less than scathing.
Loving others in your love language
and not theirs
is uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Doing so will always leave you alone and feeling rejected, and run others off faster than a skunk on the prowl. On a side note, what if the skunks love language is spraying…. does that mean we have had it wrong all this time? Hrmmmm…. I am guessing that if we are loving others in the wrong love language… we are being a skunk to them. No wonder they are running away screaming! Makes perfect sense don’t it!
Does this mean we should keep our love languages to ourselves? No, but unless we find someone who’s love language is the same as ours, we need to be more sensitive in loving others the way they receive love, and also more aware of how others are trying to love us. To be less offensive and offended and more receiving and giving of their love language. No one has ever received too much love, take it where you can get it, and give it where ever you can!
Does this mean only the touchers, givers and talkers can hang out together? No! It means to broaden your circle of deeply connected friends, you need to broaden your knowledge of love languages!
If your goal is to create lasting, loving relationships, or to build your tribe with ease, then your goal should also be to develop and practice all the love languages within yourself and also, to learn and practice them in your outer world.
Whatever areas you are weak in, learn more about them, practice them on people with that language and learn from them, watch that they do, and they will show you how they use their love languages in their own every day!
If someones love language is NOT gifts, but maybe affirmations and you’re showering them with gifts, and not compliments, it feels awkward for them, and ultimately hurts you! Take a minute to look at things from their side of view. They are seeing you never have anything nice to say about them, yet you’re buying them gifts? Is this a trick? They’re feeling as if you don’t like them at all but are trying to buy their love, and you’re being offended that they’re not loving and raving about the gifts you picked out and gave them to show your affection! They see you being frustrated with them, not receiving their love in their love language, yet buying them gifts and being aggravated by it. You both come out feeling the other is being disingenuous and both are frustrated. You feel rejected, they feel insulted. They assume you are calling them cheap or buy-able, and you are rejecting them because you never compliment them.
How are they loving you?
Match their love language,
and as they get to know you more,
they will match yours.
Love grows where trust grows.
Grow the trust and you will grow the love.
If we’re trying to win someone’s affection with any love language that isn’t their own, we lose it. They probably think we’re creepy or coming on too strong or maybe mistake it for flirting with them and they may slap you, run from you… or towards you, in ways, you do not want😳.
If your love language is Quality Time and you’re trying to show love to someone who’s love language is NOT Time, they may see you as a needy, hovering, nosy or even a stalker! They may feel their space is being invaded by you and push you away and definitely not invite you to their home, party or personal space again! Everyone knows someone who just lingers a little too long…. Their love language is probably quality time. Love them the way they need to be loved. Give them your attention, your full attention, phones off, tv off, distractions off time. It doesn’t have to be a long time. Just Quality Time. Scheduling in time for them would be the best gift you could give them.
Fulfilling others needs for them,
learn how to love others on their level,
and in turn, they will love you on yours.
Your love language naturally comes out, you don’t have to force it, tell it, or teach it to them, let things flow naturally, or it won’t be authentic. Just allow your natural love to come through, as you love others in their language.
What if you are hanging out with someone who’s love language is Positive Affirmations, and yours is Time. You notice they have been complimenting you non-stop, and it’s feeling insincere to you as you have been inviting them to hang out for months and they always decline, flake or bail. You disbelieve their compliments because you feel actions speak louder than words. Both of you are frustrated, feeling rejected and unloved by the other and you will probably give up on this friendship as it does not flow with ease.
What the person needs from you is compliments, sincere genuine compliments. Notice what is lovely about them and tell them. Is it their attitude, their eyes, their outfit, their smile? Compliment them, find and share their own kind of beauty and naturally, they will naturally want to spend more time with you. You are giving them what they need, and automatically, they are giving you what you need in turn. And a beautiful friendship is born and blossoming, with just one shift by you. Never be disingenuous about a compliment. Everyone can spot a fake.
It’s very nice to find things to compliment others about, it teaches you to look for the good and naturally helps you grow in the love language that 90% of the world has high on their list. Learn to do the same for yourself. The more you practice each love language, the more love you will feel inside. Love never runs out. It just keeps growing and flowing. The more love we have to give, the more love we will have to give!
If your love language is Acts of Service, and the person you are trying to connect to is NOT, they will think you are overstepping boundaries when you try to do things to help them, it may even feel like you are insulting them when you do things for them. They may be thinking that you think they’re incompetent. While you may think you are just trying to help them because you know they’re busy, or tired or maybe you are just trying to do your part after a nice dinner party and take care of the dishes. Or help a daughter-in-law with the laundry while she changes the baby. You see it as helping them because you love them, they see it as you saying they’re not good enough. Both people feel rejected and unloved. Mom’s have a real hard time not helping their kids out. So, instead of jumping in, learn to love them in their love language. Ask them if they need help, or how you can help and then when they know that you are genuine, and trust you more, they will welcome the help with open arms! Then both feel loved and whole.
I’m sure you can see many patterns here, and I hope it sparked some ideas in your head and heart, of how to love those around you in their own way. I also hope it helps you to clear misunderstandings and mend some bridges along the way. Maybe people aren’t… nosy, rude, slick, pushy, or trying to buy your love. Maybe they are just showing you theirs.
Are there maybe some ways you can think back over the years where you have been loving others in the wrong language? Or being offended by others trying to love you in their language? It’s honestly as confusing on a soul as it is to go to another country not knowing their language and expecting them to speak yours! If everyone is unwilling to learn each other’s language then it leads to confusion, mistrust, and anger. They get mad at you for NOT speaking their language in their country, and you’re frustrated because you can’t get the answers you need.
Everyone loses when you can’t speak others languages, especially love languages. Even though I can’t speak the language of most of the countries I visit.
EVERYONE SPEAKS LOVE.
Finding out what our love language is, is crucial to recognizing and receiving the love that we need to fill and overflow our cups. But learning other ways to love and be loved can only fill our cups that much faster, easier and make our whole lives better all the way around.
Nothing feels better than being loved and knowing you are loved.
Learn the love languages, learn your own, learn your loved ones, learn your co-workers. Learn the love language of the grumpy lady that you have to deal with every day, learn the love language of the postman, learn the love language of your neighbors, friends, in-laws, and out-laws. Learn how to use them their love language to connect. In turn, your own love language will naturally be filled. It can’t be about you filling yours, it has to be about you filling theirs. Yours will never run dry and will always be overflowing, as you fill others cups. Someone has to go first. Be the one.
Speak all 5 love languages, and you will naturally develop
more enriched, beautiful, genuine and glowing relationships in your life.
To find out what your love languages are, go to: 5lovelanguages.com and answer a few questions and you will know the answer. Fill it out again for what you think your loved ones are, then have them fill it out and see if you guessed it right. Over time our love languages change as we grow in other areas, take the test again when you feel like things are becoming awkward again.